Grrrrrrr...

(TMI alert!!)

Every time I get my period, I mean every single damn time, I am taken right back to my miscarriage. I've always had terrible cramps for at least two days, and heavy flow for several days, ever since I first started getting my period 16 years ago. But now, this pain reminds me of that Thursday at work when I started getting contractions, but didn't know what they were. This heavy bleeding that wakes me up in the night to change my tampon reminds me of waking up that night with blood everywhere. When I wipe, I flash back to sitting on the toilet, trying to catch everything in case it was my baby. As I sit doubled over in pain, or maybe with a heating pad on my belly or my back, I remember that time spent waiting, waiting for my sweet baby to leave my body. This morning, I saw that I had bled through to the sheets, and I nearly freaked out completely. The bloody sheets from that night, "those" sheets, got thrown away a long time ago. I couldn't even stand to try to get the blood out, and knew that there would always be a stain, even if I was the only one who could see it. So, to see blood on the bed this morning, even a little, just made me have a little flashback.

It's so unfair that I have to have this physical reminder each and every month!! Not only that, but it still makes me sad that I am not pregnant anymore. Even though Lula girl would have long been here by now, I still feel like I wish I was still pregnant with her. Or maybe even with a little rainbow.

The only way I have ever been able to make AF any easier to tolerate is by taking Birth Control Pills. And I have considered it, and even talked to the doctor about it, but I just can't bring myself to actually do it. I don't want to do it!!

Me and D have not had sex yet, and I still want to wait a while, and I will talk to him about the possibility of going on the pill. But I am just really scared to mess with my body at all. I am worried that if I take the pill for a year or so, and then go off it to TTC, what if I can't get pregnant? What if something happens, and I always question if it was because of the pills? I don't need anything else to feel guilty about or question.

And even though I know that I should not be trying to get pregnant right now, I just don't think I can bring myself to take that little pill every single day. Deep down, what my heart still wants most is a little rainbow on the way. I think it would just break my heart to take the pill. There are other ways to prevent pregnancy that won't mess with my body, and keep me from ovulating, and I think I'll just stick to those.

I'm just looking forward to the day I can finally TTC. Of course then, AF will have yet another sad meaning to it. But one day, one day, I truly believe I will have my rainbow healthy and happy in my arms.

Lula baby,
Sorry, this is a post about Mommy's woman things that, thank God, you will never have to go through. But that makes me a little sad, too. You will never be a woman, always a little baby. I'm not feeling good, so I'll write you more later. Just wanted to say I miss you and I'm thinking about you. If you can, just come sit with Mommy and be near me today. I could use a little comforting. I love you sweet angel!
Love,
Mommy