Changing every day

Ahhhh!!!

I am so tired, but I must at least write a little. It's been too long.

I started my new job today. It's okay so far, still training. School starts in two weeks.

I quit smoking. I started up after I lost Lula, in a moment of weakness after more than 6 years of non-smoking. But, I quit again, finally. It's been 12 days!!! And the cravings are still kinda sucky, but I am really happy that I am doing it. I feel so much healthier all ready.

Umm, and I am in LOVE!! Without a doubt, head over heals in love. And, now I am kind of scared I'm going to screw things up. Or that something will happen and I will lose him. I lost the last person I loved and cared about (Lula), so it's hard for me not to be a little scared. I feel like things are going too well, and keep waiting for the other shoe to fall. But I do love him so, so, much. He took me to a gardening place to look for a new statue for Lula's grave, and we looked and looked and saw absolutely nothing, just plants and little metal garden ornaments. Until the very end, when we were about to leave, we saw this beautiful butterfly/fairy/angel statue. She is just beautiful, she is crouching down, with her hands out, tenderly regarding some place on the ground in front of her. She is like a little guardian for my angel. We got some plants, a couple of ferns and little decorative grasses, to plant around it, too. After that, we went and had a lovely dinner in a old little small-town diner. After we came home, he helped me place the new statue and I arranged the plants around, but decided to wait to plant them until I was sure about the placement. He held me there as I cried. He lets me cry. He says he loves me how I am. He says he knows that I miss her, and that I have just been through a lot.

But I'm still scared!! I'm scared he will grow tired of all of this sadness. I'm not sad all of the time. I've been happy a lot lately, actually. And we have a lot of fun together, too. I'm just worried about the affect of all of this on our relationship. Will he feel too much pressure to move the relationship along and to have a baby? Or maybe more importantly, will I put too much pressure on us to move things along? Will I be able to handle that he wants us to take our time? Am I worried that I don't have time? Can I put the baby craziness on hold?? I was able to temporarily while I was single. But now that I am with him, and so in love, I am feeling all of it come rushing back. He has already mentioned how he doesn't want to rush into anything. And for some reason that made me really sad. Like really sad.. Why the hell am I so sad about that? Do I really want him to "rush" into something with me? No. But...

I just feel myself just lining back up for the waiting game. And I hate the waiting game!!! I don't want to play it! I can't control him or how he feels. I can only control me. I have to find a way to be okay with things just being whatever way they are. I can't just be waiting for marriage and baby. I have to find a way to relax and enjoy what we have now, and until then. Like, I am pretty sure it will come. But, just don't know when, and it will probably be quite a while from now. I start thinking about how many months/years post-miscarriage I will be when I finally have a baby, if I finally have a baby. It's almost been a year already. And I can't even imagine having to wait a whole other year, let alone more than that. This year has been so difficult. Walking around as a mother without a baby. How can I, as a lost mother, not let this baggage get the best of my new relationship? At the end of the day, I am willing to wait if he is the right one. And I think he is.

Anyway, I don't really expect anyone to understand or relate to all of this, but I would love comments and advice, nonetheless.

Lula,
Mommy misses you with every fiber of my being!! I wish you were here. But since you can't be here, and since you made me a mother, I really want a little baby here on earth to take care of and love. Not that anyone could ever replace you, baby. You will always be my first. Help mommy to be patient and wait until the time is "right". Help me trust that D is not going to go anywhere. I know he really loves me. And I know that you trust him. Just help me relax and enjoy the good things in my life, most of which you have given to me.

Thank you for ALL of the dragonflies today!! You knew I was nervous about my new job and you and hundreds of your friends were flying around the grass just outside the doors. I was smiling and laughing as I entered the doors for the first time. Simply wonderful, little girl.

I love you angel!! Forever...

-Mommy