My Screwed Up Dream!!

This morning, I woke up early to let the dogs out, laid back down, let the dogs back in and fell asleep again. This is the dream I then had:

I am driving to my grandmothers house (which is about 4 hours away, and I plan to go on Wednesday to visit) and I'm driving along. I think I am alone in the car. When I get to her neighborhood, I suddenly find myself very lost, I can't find her house, and I'm starting to freak out a bit. Suddenly another car pulls up and a guy gets out and point a gun at me!! I don't know what they want, I think he's just going to shoot me, my life is flashing before my eyes. Then, suddenly the back passenger door opens and I look back to see a man taking MY BABY out of the back seat!! They take her carseat and all, and just like that they get back in the car and speed away!!! I start racing after them screaming, loud crazy primal screaming. But they are gone! I can't find them anywhere. I get out of the car and I'm screaming "MY BABY!! MY BABY!! THEY TOOK MY BABY!!!".

And then I woke up.

WTF, man!! Seriously F'd up dream and not at all the way I wanted to wake up. I remember every terrifying detail. I woke up with my instincts still turned all the way up and this overwhelming need to protect my child, to save my child. I was so shaken to my core. I knew I was supposed to have lunch with D, so I tried to pull myself together. I ran a bath, added some bubbles. I got in and soaked myself from head to toe in the warm water, and that's when the gates opened up. I cried the cry of a woman who's just seen her baby snatched from her eyes, that woman who is lost and screaming out for help, and no one can hear her. The tears poured out into the bathwater. I screamed and wailed and moaned. I couldn't stop. I knew I needed to get out and pull myself together, but I also knew I needed to just let it out.

A few hours later, I finally made it over to D's house with some sandwiches I'd made for our picnic. I told him about my terrible dream, and he listened and supported me like the sweetheart he is. We had a wonderful day together, driving in the country, picnic, walking around my aunt's stable and petting the horses, listening to him play piano (which he does really well), going to see Toy Story 3, and finally some good heart to heart discussion and lots of kisses and hugs and smiles back at his place. We agreed that neither of us want to see other people. We agreed that we are kindred spirits, and that we both feel so lucky to have found one another. We agreed how nice it is that there are so many things we just get about each other. So many things we don't have to say, but still so many things we want to say anyways. I asked him if he could handle that I often just get sad or angry out of nowhere. He said that I didn't have to be happy all the time, and he didn't want me to TRY to be happy all the time. He just wants me to be me, whatever mood that is, whatever that may entail, he wants me. I feel so incredibly blessed.

Lula,
Mommy had such a scary dream that made me feel like you were just taken from me all over again. Except this time, there were bad scary men who took you, and I could do nothing about it. I didn't even know you were in the car because it was a stupid scary dream, but I promise in real life they would have taken you over my dead body. I wish I could have done more to protect you while you were here with me, angel.

This dream represents all the helplessness, the lack of control, the shock, the trauma, the WRONGNESS, the guilt, the regrets. All of those feelings are still there, just bubbling underneath the surface waiting to come out. But what it really reminds me of is just how much I loved you!! And how much I love you still. I would have done anything in the world to protect you.

Today, after dinner, D and I were walking down this street with a bunch of shops. There were three little girls playing in a little fountain thing. They made me think of you, and the joy you will never get of splashing in a fountain. That I will never get to watch you play and hear the delight in your voice. Their parents were all sitting on a little wall, and as we passed, I noticed one of them had a tiny little baby, too. I squeezed D's hand a little tighter, and he knew what that meant. I missed you so much today, baby.

When we came back by the fountain, but this time on the other side, we saw two benches that had giant dragonflies on either side. There have been dragonflies on every single date we have been on. You amaze me little one.

I love you and I miss you, and one day I will hold you in my arms and keep you safe for all eternity.

Love,
Mommy