"you fill my dreams all day"

Seriously, can this guy get any better? He sends me emails and texts just to let me know he's thinking about me. He accepts me exactly the way I am, flaws and all. It's gonna be really hard not to fall in love with this guy!!

Today, I was driving on the winding country roads to go to my friends' house to check on their cat since they are out of town. The whole way, I had all the windows rolled down. Big fluffy clouds everywhere that had not yet decided to rain were keeping things cool (89 degrees is "cool" for July in TX).

I stopped at a few places along the way to take pictures. There was this beautiful corn field that is sharing it's growing space with hundreds of sunflowers. It's at the top of a hill, and beyond the flowers and the corn, you can see the rolling hills in the distance. There is also a very old "cabin" I guess, it was probably a farmer or share-croppers house way back in the day. Since we are close to the river, oddly enough there is a lot of history in this area. Anyway, as I was looking out at all of this, there are tons of dragonflies flying everywhere!! They looked so happy and playful. I felt the same way: happy and playful.









As I kept driving and daydreaming about D and our date and kiss last night. Daydreaming of what wonders are to come. Feeling good about life. And then out of the blue, it just hit me. This beautiful day. These little things that bring so much joy and wonder into my life. I will never share those with Lula. I wish so badly that she were here. I remember when my dad used to take me out into the country, he instilled a love of nature in me. I just suddenly ached and started sobbing right there in the car. I feel guilty for being happy, and part of me is still so sad and broken. I have to still take care of that part of me. Just because happy me is coming out more and more, doesn't mean that sad me is gone. I miss my baby. I wish she were here.

Lula,
I wish you could have shared this beautiful day with me. I think of all the things we'll never do, and it breaks my heart. Yes, we get to do special mommy/angel things, but I wanted all the things I dreamed of for you here on earth. I wanted to show you how amazing and special the world can be, how you can find beauty and wonder all around you. I wanted to take you camping when you got older, and canoeing.

Anyway, I miss you so much. I know you want me to be happy, but still I sometimes feel guilty. Just remember that I will never forget you, and you have made me who I am today. You continue to bring blessings to my life. I love you, little amazing angel.

-Mommy